You’d think the fact that K DD only has ONE outfit (consisting of her hashish-matted pelt and some grotty “accessories” from the dumpster behind that strip club) would preclude her unwarranted advice regarding the fashion choices of others. THINK AGAIN, CITIZEN! She gets all kinds of queeny when god forbid you should don a festive lounging outfit to watch the Super Max Jail marathon with your hand down your bloomers and try to have a little breather from scrambling about plucking up the glitter-studded dingleberries that K DD leaves around the house like a urine brick road to abject despair. She claims that she used to be a Project Runway consultant but we all know it was just another one of her vodka-induced delusions. Like when she thought she was on American Idol when in actuality, she was just staggering through the car wash again singing “It’s Raining Men” in her “bold soul sister” voice and gesturing grandly to passing hobos as if she were Patti LaBelle.
Kitty DrunkDrunk kept falling off the barstool so she had her legs replaced with this stylish box. Cardboard is SO slimming! The only problem is that it gets a little wobbly when saturated with spilled rum and K DD pee-pee….but by that time she’s usually getting chucked out by the bouncer anyway, so no big.
One of Kitty DrunkDrunk’s withdrawal hallucinations drops by to lay down some knowledge on our girl. Today’s lecture: “Secret Places to Poo in the House” Wise… so wise. I like this figment of her delerious imagination loads better than the one that advises her to play hookey and hassle people for quarters down at the arcade. And WAY more than the one that encourages her to work on her degree as a “fecal technician”. I’m pretty sure she made that up but she DOES have a framed certificate, so there’s that.
Really, Kitty DrunkDrunk? The punchbowl? And here I was thinking I’m the only one who likes to start her Sundays with a nice tureen of figure-friendly vodka and Crystal Light lemonade. I predict we’ll be fistfighting each other by noon. Tops. She’ll start by making some offhand shitty comment about what I’m wearing and then be all passive aggressive about it and say she was just “kidding”, all the while trying to hide the fact that she is taking a stealth pee on the utility bills.
Kitty DrunkDrunk knocks back a nice voddy and Diet Coke for eventide. Maybe later we’ll have a few rounds of her favorite parlor game, “Regurgitate the Partially Digested Mouse Tail on Your Tivo Remote”