Remember when you were innocent and unspoilt? Remember when you were fermenting your Gerber apple sauce into prison wine via a sippy cup crammed into the radiator, and the lockdown siren went off and you had to crouch under your bunk like some kinda wayward hobo? No? Well KDD does. She hasn’t forgotten the pact you made when she slipped that razor blade under her tongue to keep the screws offa your newbie muhfukin butt when they tossed your cell. So when you see THIS face, youngblood–you better get to steppin’. ‘Cuz the alarm coming out of Kitty DrunkDrunk’s loose-hanging jaw sounds a little like this: WIIIIIiiiiIIIInnnNNNNE!! WIiiIIIINNNnnnEEEEE! She’ll take a nice Chardonnay with overtones of murder please, sommelier.
Kitty DrunkDrunk doesn’t remember the bathtub being quiiite this small last time she passed out in it. Admittedly, she WAS a little bloated from all those keg stands at the frat house, and then the bingo throwdown at the VFW had those jello shots, and of course she had to close out the night with a couple of Flaming Typhoons at the tranny bar because Wanda was bartending and god KNOWS that bitch is never around anymore since she got busted. Still, K DD seems to recall there being enough room for at least a couple of rounds of high-velocity hurling. It’s a little snug.
Kitty DrunkDrunk kept falling off the barstool so she had her legs replaced with this stylish box. Cardboard is SO slimming! The only problem is that it gets a little wobbly when saturated with spilled rum and K DD pee-pee….but by that time she’s usually getting chucked out by the bouncer anyway, so no big.
I full-on busted Kitty DrunkDrunk up to her armpits in my purse, rummaging around for loose pills. She SAID she was just looking for a nail file but I know for a FACT she gets hers done by Jocelyn over at the mall. Such total bullshit.
Kitty DrunkDrunk went to the disco but the dance floor was just too damn small for her to bust a proper move. She ended up spending most of her time slumped against the bar, fishing around in other people’s drinks for booze-soaked fruit. She was later ejected for her particularly vigorous rendition of the “The Worm”, a move for which she is tremendously ill-suited. ILL-SUITED, I TELL YOU!
One of Kitty DrunkDrunk’s withdrawal hallucinations drops by to lay down some knowledge on our girl. Today’s lecture: “Secret Places to Poo in the House” Wise… so wise. I like this figment of her delerious imagination loads better than the one that advises her to play hookey and hassle people for quarters down at the arcade. And WAY more than the one that encourages her to work on her degree as a “fecal technician”. I’m pretty sure she made that up but she DOES have a framed certificate, so there’s that.
Right side: Perfectly cat-sized expanse of comfy plush towel. Left side: Scissors, glue stick, pipe cleaners, lighter, plastic fruit, magic markers, etc. Where oh where will Kitty DrunkDrunk choose to sit? If you look carefully you can see a big fake flower sticking out from beneath her fuzzy butt. There’s also a roll of tape and a half-empty bottle of Bailey’s somewhere under there. She’s not fooling anybody–It’s not like it’s some big secret that she daydrinks and this whole charade is just embarassing. Moron.