Kitty DrunkDrunk is about to blow your MIND

Well well well.  Looks like Kitty DrunkDrunk got herself ahold of some absinthe today. She’s feeling all kindsa funkytown and has spent the last hour going “Have you ever looked at your paws? I mean REAAALLLY looked at your paws?” God!  Shut UP, K DD! Your paws are a horror show! There’s like some kind of liverwurst rind perpetually stuck to your dewclaw and I know for a FACT your paw pads taste like pee because you keep shoving them in my sleeping mouth to inform me that it’s breakfast time. Guess what? Breakfast time is not 3 am and doesn’t consist of Jagermeister drizzled over a slab of Fancy Feast.

Kitty DrunkDrunk wonders why she keeps dreaming of cheese

Hey K DD! Just because my shoes have “air pillow insoles” doesn’t mean you can go passing out in them after a noontime bender at the sailor bar. And guess what? YOUR feet don’t smell all that great either! In fact, they reek of pee-soaked Fresh Step, dollar store knock-off cologne and Wild Turkey which makes me wonder just WHO you’ve been “making the dough” on?!  Seriously. Get your drunken moosh outa my kicks and go wash those nasty paws, you tramp.

KItty DrunkDrunk is concerned about your judgement

She’s pretty sure you didn’t mean to reach for her bin of leftover Pad Thai. She’ll just sliiiiide it back over here, ‘kay? Is that all right with you, pretty boy?  Hmm, tough guy? See those scraps on the table? Those are patches of skin from the last fool who put their hand out. So don’t even step to her noodles or she will muhfuckin HAVE you. And that’s not just drunk talk. Like when she sings the lyrics to “Ease On Down the Road” to you all sexy-like. Eew.

Kitty DrunkDrunk is unaware of her faulty internal gyroscope

OH Kitty DrunkDrunk and your questionable choices. That adorable cushy kitty bed sure does look comfy! But hey– after a few pints of Stoli that teetering pile of mail, hard plastic switch cover, bin of loose change, bristly hairbrush and heap of phone chargers looks pretty cozy too. Be sure to drape yourself head-down for maximum spine displacement!

Kitty DrunkDrunk’s pea-sized and pickled brain is baffled by technology

Kitty DrunkDrunk was trying to send an outraged, incoherent email to her congressman but couldn’t quite figure out how to get the words from her head onto the computer. Repeatedly pounding her addled noggin into the screen only resulted in eventual unconsciousness which is fine with her because it saves money on vodka.

Someone told Kitty DrunkDrunk that Zima was for pussies

So naturally she just HAD to try it. And guess who got stuck going to fetch the nasty shit? That’s right, yours truly because of course Kitty DrunkDrunk was already too wasted to drive. You could tell the liquor store guy totally didn’t believe that I was just getting it for my cat.  He was throwing this whole attitude like he was picturing me sitting in the dark in some tattered Snuggie tapping my foot to Kenny Loggins and pounding Zima. Maybe sobbing just a little from time to time. Well as you can see, K DD blew through that evil elixir like it came from the fountain of youth or something. But no WAY I’m going back to that liquor store unless I’m also buying like a gallon of manly rotgut whiskey.

Kitty DrunkDrunk’s Native American name is “Blacks Out on Foods”.

Kitty DrunkDrunk likes to spend her inebriated stupors atop a slice of bread to absorb the inevitable rivulets of moonshine drool. If she goes through the whole loaf I just tie a couple of Sham-Wows around her face like a Ninja mask and call it a day. And don’t believe what anyone says about the secret ingredient in my stuffing recipe.

Daaag, Kitty DrunkDrunk got her some paws of steel

After a long night of wandering the hallway making strangled, woeful yodeling noises, Kitty DrunkDrunk knows there’s nothing like soothing your paws with a nice soak in a box full of drill bits. She lost sensation in her pads years ago after burns that resulted from an ill-advised round of flaming Sambuca shots. You should have seen her trying to use a corkscrew with her paws all bandaged up! Hilarious! She fell off the counter, like FOUR times!

Kitty DrunkDrunk is Rude, Crude and in the Food

If you’re looking for someone to maul your sandwich in a chardonnay-induced rage and then pass out on it, Kitty DrunkDrunk would like to offer her services.  She has years of experience with becoming unconscious atop a variety of foodstuffs and will work for scale. Her contract requires several boxes of wine, a large saucer, and a diaper.